Turning Weakness Into Strength

Hello friends!  Hope you are all doing well.  Before I get to my "real" post, let me give some quick info about my health.  I still don't have much energy, but I do feel a little better.  I had my Vitamin D levels checked Tuesday and I just got word that my levels are in the low normal range.  It's barely normal, but that's better than severely low.  I'll take it.  So, back to over-the-counter Vitamin D for now. 

I told you guys that I was watching the series Prison Break.  Wow!!  Just wow!  I just finished up the series.  Seriously one of the most brilliant series.  Oh, how I'm going to miss watching Michael Scofield and his beautiful mind.  The characters were brilliantly written and portrayed.  Even the characters that I loved to hate were brilliant. Love, love, loved it!  I didn't want it to end.  If you have Netflix or HuluPlus....go watch it!  The last two episodes were put together and went straight to DVD and they take place during the four year difference in the finale.  It answered a lot of questions and cleared things up a bit more.  HuluPlus doesn't offer that one, but Netflix does.  And Netflix is commercial free. 

Okay, now to the real post :)

I have been doing some major soul searching lately.  Most days I feel weak.  Not just weak in the physical sense, also weak in spirit.  It's so easy to let darkness creep in and over-take our light.  Especially when there seems to be more bad than good in our lives.  So, I've been in constant prayer this week, asking God "Why do I feel this way?".  "Why are You allowing me to feel this way?".  "How can I change it?". "What do You want me to do?".   Now, I still don't know the answers to any of those questions.  But what I do know is that in HIS time, He will reveal it to me.  A wonderful friend sent me some e-cards this week.  I fully believe that they were messages that the Lord wanted me to hear.  So, do I have the answers?  Nope.  But I know that HE does and in His time, He will reveal it to me. 

So, I asked myself, "What can I do right now, in this moment?".  Well, the weakness I feel is both physical and spiritual.  So, that's what I'm going to work on. 

For my physical weakness, I am going to start with the basics.  My plan is start lifting some weights.  Simple, right?  I don't have some wonderfully orchestrated plan to fix things.  I'm not sure there is such a plan.  But, I can start doing SOMETHING.  No matter how small it seems right now, it will help.  I've never been a physically weak person and I literally hate feeling weak.  So, no more.  Sooner or later, my physical weakness will turn into physical strength.  It's just a matter of taking control and doing what needs to be done.

Now, spiritual weakness is a whole other realm of weakness.  I don't really have a "plan" here.  My spiritual weakness doesn't come from a lack of prayer or lack in my relationship with God.  I pray daily.  I do bible study daily.  I truly believe in and love my God.  So what is the problem?  I'm not exactly sure.  I do know that many thoughts and feeling (mainly negative thoughts and feeling about MYSELF) are probably somewhat responible for my spiritual weakness.  Feelings of guilt, self-disgust, insecurity, no self- confidence, and no self-worth always creep in and take over.  My whole life I've always felt that I wasn't "good enough".  That my best wasn't good enough.  I'm a perfectionist and if I can't live up to the standards that are acceptable to me.....I throw in the towel.  What a lousy way to live, right?  Trust me, it is.  The thing that I NEED to accept is, is that no matter how much I strive to be perfect (physically and spiritually), I'll never be that way.  None of us will.  It's unrealistic.  Unachievable.  Unattainable.  It's not going to happen.  So, why am I this way?  I don't know.   Wow, being brutally honest sucks. 

I did find some tips online that could help though.  Here's the link. #2 is me made over.

http://ezinearticles.com/?10-Powerful-Tips-to-Improve-Self-Confidence&id=1018704

I figured I would start on #10.  I love to sing and I used to have self-confidence when singing at church, but I've let it slide.  God blessed me with a talent and it's time I starting being passionate about sharing it again. 

So, that's it.  It's a start, right? 

Here's to turning weakness into strength, using pain to achieve self-worth, and fighting for a life that deserves happiness and greatness.  Cheers! (Imagine me holding up a beverage of some sort.)

Until next time... 

Check-In

I promised you guys that I wouldn't wait a whole month to check in again, so here I am- although I realize I am cutting it a bit close.

I've had some good days and some not-so-good days.  In the past week, there have been more "not-so-good" days.  I really don't know what to say.  Things were looking up and all the sudden my muscle twitches are back, my lymph node is swollen again (and hurts like heck!), my mood sucks, can't sleep and I'm very tired again  Same old crap.  It's very strange.  I'm beginning to think that some of these issues aren't connected to the Vitamin D deficiency.  I cannot WAIT until my appointment with the Endocrinologist in April!  I'm praying I will start getting some answers! 

Now that I've gotten that out of the way....

I hope you all had a wonderful Valentine's Day!  I had a bouquet of chocolate waiting for me when I woke up, so I was a happy girl.  Chocolate makes everything better :)

Being super tired and having insomnia has it's perks.  I've been able to get caught up on all my DVR'd shows that I was behind on.  I'm 100% caught up!  I've even started watching a new series on HuluPlus that I've been wanting to watch for a while now.....Prison Break.  I'm addicted to this show!  And Wentworth Miller is my new celebrity crush.  How have I not seen or heard of this guy until now?!?! 

Anyway, that's what's been going on with me.  Not much, obviously.  Just wanted to briefly check in with y'all.  Thank you all for your support and love.  I'm very thankful for all my readers and supporters. 

Here's a thought I'll leave you with. 

I've been in a dark place lately, but there's always someone out there that is going through something much worse.  So no matter what.....I'm always grateful and thankful for all the good in my life.  I am trying to learn to be grateful for the bad as well because I know that in the end, I will be stronger for it. 

Much love to you all! 

Until next time...

Things ARE Getting Better!

Yes, yes indeed, they are. 

I have felt vastly better this week.  Especially the first half of the week.  The past couple of days haven't been quite as good, but still.....SO MUCH BETTER!  My muscles are feeling stronger, my body isn't aching as much, my tremors (or muscle twitches) are decreasing, my lymph node is no longer swollen.  Lots of good news!  But more than anything, it feels good to feel better emotionally.  My mood has been steadily getting better and I feel the depression leaving.  To finally see some light in the darkness....well that feels better than any physical improvement I've had.  Things are definitely getting better. 

In fact, I've felt so much better that I started working on an art project a couple of days ago.  I got out my canvas and paint and started working on creating something that is very personal.  I don't know exactly what the end result will be, but so far it's been very therapeutic.  I can't wait to see how it turns out because I'm trying something new and I'm hoping it works out on canvas as well as it works in my mind.  I guess we'll find out :)

Oh, and we found out this week that our little man made honor roll.  I'm so proud of how hard he has been working and I LOVE having such an important part in his education.  This just added to the happiness of an already happy week :)

Thanks to all of you that prayed for me and kept me in your thoughts.  I definitely felt them and I'm blessed to have such wonderful supporters.  You guys ROCK!

Until next time...